?

Log in

alternativetime

Thoughts on frills

13/10/16 | 2227
: awake
music: Coffins - Sacrifice to Evil Spirit

Looking through my Livejournal, this is totally unsuitable for using as a Lolita fashion/lifestyle blog XD

Guess I'll need to start a new one and leave this for the occasional existential crisis that has to be written out...

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

Thoughts on THE TRVEST OF TRVE METALS

30/01/15 | 1322
: bored
music: Electric Wizard - The Outsider | Powered by Last.fm

...and I'm still here!

Been thinking a bit about the future of metal, as catalysed by an excellent blog called Poetry of Subculture... that and ANUS.com, repugnant though the members (ha!) might be to me. Lyrically, I think I have it all figured out - the next step is, as it were, to step backward, to regain the triumph, the self-assuredness, to stop using commas where I should really end one sentence and somehow start another. We're at war with everyone who's not us, in a way, but it's so insipid now that no-one really means it. We don't need to fight those we simply look down on!

The biggest enemy is, perhaps, within: as clichéd as that sounds. Conqueror's gold + the rush of a new introspection = the future?

Order From Chaos did this well.



No idea about style yet; don't want to overthink that either. Conscious attempts at genre-melding can only be a disaster in the hands of the relatively untrained. No reason to overly focus on 'staying metal'. If I veer away from being recognisably brutal or whatever - so be it!

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

Thoughts on failure

13/08/14 | 0509
: blank
music: Frozen Dead's Kingdom - Vlad Tepes || Powered by Last.fm

Important to note that I'm not depressed at the moment; neither suicidal by any stretch of the imagination, which is good.

I've been under a lot of stress in the past week, some self-inflicted when I got into the habit of sleeping at hours later than 6 in the morning before any of my stressors appeared. Now that crisis is averted, I'm attempting to regain health and lost sleep, starting with tonight; I went straight to bed at 5PM after feeling that I was about to pass out but woke up several times during the night with rather worrying experiences and now don't feel tired enough to sleep at 5PM. I estimate that I've had eight or so hours' sleep, which at least is a start. The aftereffects of the stress will hopefully wear off in time, too.

I'm still disappointed in myself. Through relating with others I'm trying to lessen my need to one-up everyone in everything I'd like to do; the need to achieve is still there, though, and I'm not indulging it at all right now. I'm not happy about that. I want to draw and code and compose and write, but my concentration and motivation are more shot to pieces than they've ever been. Currently I'm collaborating with someone over his project idea but feel as if I'm not bringing anything to the table at all; this as he's working over the summer and I'm still stuck not even being able to apply for jobs.

How to get past this?

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

Thoughts on continuation

19/08/13 | 1806
: indescribableindescribable
music: Ruth - Polaroïd/Roman/Photo | Powered by Last.fm

I'm diverse. I'm being pulled apart, my mind's scattered, I'm in a different city with different people far too often. It's too much!

There's always been this tension; when I woke a month or so ago it helped me accept and embrace that part of myself, but the bit that pushes it down is still there and strong and I'm losing focus even more. The flame of vitality could be in any of these corners. I'll never regain it stretching out so much of myself at once, and the task is mine.

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

Thoughts on... I dunno any more, learned helplessness

05/07/13 | 1214
: stressedstressed
music: Liliedugg - Jesus | Powered by Last.fm

A lot of stuff has happened in the past month or so, but none of it has been the breakthrough I've been hoping will happen without any effort from me. Of course that thought is a mistake.
Still, after this awareness, I'm sitting here in someone else's house after my lease is done and thinking about what I should already have done today. Time's running out here... I want to break the pattern, the pattern of... arrogance, of rejection, self-affirmation with no evidence that I've held to for so many years. I don't want to go home. I mustn't go home. I need to find out how to be alive by myself.

This pep talk brought to you by Royal Earl Grey tea because my housemate is PMSing and presents calm her down. Now I should wash my hair.

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

<no subject>

09/05/13 | 1120
: blank
music: Voivod - I Don't Wanna Wake Up | Powered by Last.fm

I'm bored.
Well, not bored, but lacking in priorities.
Hard to motivate myself to go on a nice long coastal walk, even though I know I'd enjoy it more than being inside here.
Something to work on...

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

just...

13/11/12 | 2158
: predatory
music: A Grand Declaration Of War - Mayhem

angry; mind-disruptingly, viciously so. You'd never know it to look at me.
The blade I hold behind my back cuts with impatience.

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

Thoughts on rediscovering old friends

29/10/12 | 0229
: tiredtired
music: Как на горочке, на пригорочке - Протяжные песни Ульяновской обл.

You try to deconstruct yourself, improve, become the best you've been
and your past comes back.
She is bad habits by the handful, but they've never been as sweet--
Tags:

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

<no subject>

16/04/12 | 0107
: sleepysleepy
music: NOTHING for once

Every one of us alive today is the culmination of millions of years of human (pre)history, at least. (Bit more complicated when you start thinking on a planetary scale though.)
We're the 'cutting edge' right now, pretty much.

If some form of FTL travel is ever discovered and used extensively (and both of those things had better be true!), this simple thought will get a... little more confusing :D

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share

alternativetime

MBTI

19/03/12 | 2342
: worried
music: Michael Garrison - Theme To Onday | Powered by Last.fm

I've been strangely interested in the MBTI/enneagram/other systems that generalise, quantise and seek to put me in little boxes for... at least three or four years now, and it's only now that I think I'm getting somewhere on discovering my type. I started out as INTJ (which I may very well have been at that point), travelled towards INTX, INTP last year and now seem to have the cognitive functions for INFP making sense.
I suppose the reason for my interest is just to provide myself with more concrete self-knowledge (more focused on the functions than reading 'type description' pages, although I'll admit that I have a bit of an addiction to gleaning as much information as I can, even if it's highly unlikely to ever be relevant).

Link | Rip Kirk's shirt | Share